Confessions of a 20-Something Caffeine Addict

...on caffeine-free nursing diet. God Help Us.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

tears and clarity

over the past week I have been thinking to myself about this job. I just had this overwhelming feeling that I didn't want it, but rational part of my brain kept interrupting me and telling me I'm crazy if I don't take this job.

then I realized...when have I really ever listened to that part anyway? wasn't I about to pack up my life and move to a foreign country...across an OCEAN? helllOOOO!

okay, it wasn't just me that helped me see the light. my mom did too. she knows me so well and woke me up a little to the fact that I'm PREGNANT and will have a BABY at home soon...this job would be 12 hours from door to door with the commute (long island to manhattan). The most important thing to me is not burning any bridges. If I took the job and then quit after the baby, I can almost forget about ever working there anymore, having assured them in the beginning that I wouldn't do that. If I am honest NOW and upfront about the fact that this is my first, that I have no idea how I will feel about working fulltime, and that this is a very hard decision b/c I want the position soooo badly, at least they can respect my honesty and hopefully keep me in mind for future positions. As my mother said, I am young....God will put another wonderful opportunity like this before me when my priorities can be managed together. If I take this one now, I am putting family second, and that is NOT me.

of course, I haven't talked to the firm yet. I am waiting for a call from one of the principals. he is calling with more questions/comments and a salary offer. I want to hear him out, give it a day and then call to reject. Should I write a formal letter of rejection? I don't know, but I just pray that I am able to express how diffucult it is for me to say no to this opportunity.


Monday, April 10, 2006

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.

oh aristotle. too bad the world can't function based on your thought.

I got a job offer from the firm I interned for the summer before my last year of school...a dream job, and one that would turn my professional career in the direction it should be going. They called me last week in the midst of working nights. I was very surprised. I pulled myself together for the interview, and wowed them with my portfolio...and then wowed them again with baby news. Had I not broken out with that, I think I would be making a very difficult decisions right now as to whether to leave my current position or not. Of course, I debated whether or not I should tell them, but I don't want to burn any bridges by witholding information like that. I really respect the company, who has a great reputation and is all over "house and garden" and "archy digest". After a month of being employed, announcing that kind of news would practically ensure that I would be the ugly duckling for a while, or forever.

They are getting back to me, mostly because I was honest about maybe wanting to be part-time after my leave is over. I am in such limbo over the possibilities. I could be offered the job, part-time and all, and then Italy would be a goner. Do I want that? I don't think I do, but would I be an idiot for passing up this job, or quitting after a year? Maybe they'll WANT me to quit, and then Italy will be handed to us on a silver platter. or MAYBE, they won't offer it to me at all.

maybe. That word seems to be all too present in my life the past few months, and I am so tired of these life changing decisions. I used to pray (seriously) for change in my life. I was so drained by the monotony of my job, of having no money, of not having my family around. I would have given anything for some LIFE in my life. I was thinking more like lottery millions, but I guess what they say is true....careful what you wish for.


I am so exhausted. I mean, I don't know if I have ever felt this exhausted ever in my life. I am even too tired to eat, and THAT, my friends, is a phenomenon. My company had this HUGE project that required all of us to switch gears and work nights for 5 days. Yesterday I got home at 6:00am and slept until 3pm...I then proceeded to lay on the couch while DH cooked me grits (mmmm grits). I rolled around like a beached whale, moaning and groaning over my sore back and hips, until about 5pm. Then we went to the store and were both starving, so we over-shopped (and I ended up with cookies and cream frozen yogurt and two cheese for baked macaroni...hellOOOO! yummy in the tummy).

yeah I know my posts have been pretty sucky and food centered. I just can't think of anything else to write about. it's on the brain, people.

oh yes...scary Saturday. I got home around 6:20am, went right to sleep as DH was leaving for work, and then woke up to a terrible cramp at about 10am. I cried a little....some from the pain and some b/c I was so damn tired and it was keeping me awake. I was scared I would go to the commode and find blood...sorry to be graphic. Called mom and she said to eat something, like cereal or toast. I did. I was too patient to wait and it was still keeping me from sleep. I took a hot bath and laid on the sofa all steamy and eventually it went away. Could have been gas or something, but I hope that I don't have anything like that happen again.

wow....yeah....that didn't help this post. sorry for you gentlemen lurkers. preggers here can't help herself.

my pants are getting a little tighter these days, but to weight or "inches" gained thus far. I am now 9 weeks (or 7, however you calculate it) along...holy moley...that's 2 1/4 months. That means in 3 weeks I will be announcing the news to the boss-man. hope all goes well.

k, so this is random. I gotta work. boooo.