Confessions of a 20-Something Caffeine Addict

...on caffeine-free nursing diet. God Help Us.

Monday, February 27, 2006

creepy guy on a lawn chair

I KNEW I was going to have a crazy dream last night. Maybe I made it happen, but it was wierd.

I was sitting on a lounge chair by a pool in a bikini (hahaha which is hilarious b/c I can't remember the last time I wore one), and my hair was long (again, it's been a while). This middle aged man and his wife were sitting about 20' away, and he walked over to me in front of her and started overtly flirting with me. I was very very uncomfortable, I even had to excuse myself from Mr. Slimeball to throwup in the bathroom, which was right next to my chair.

Then I decided I'd go back to my hotel see now I was at a hotel pool. I went to my room and there were all these people there who were supposed to be my friends staying in the room as well. Then Mr. Slimeball shows up. There was something evil about all of them, and wanted to get out of the room fast...with my baby...yes, now I have a baby. And she's sick. I can't find the sling to hold her in, so I found a clean sheet to wrap her against me. My sweet husband shows up to help me get all of my things (he wasn't in the same room as me...strange). He asks why I want to leave, and I tell him to look at our baby "this is us" I told him, and he smiles and finishes packing us up.

Another thing was that, as with most of my baby dreams, I haven't been taking care of the baby. I know that the reason she is sick is because she was breast fed, and I haven't fed her correctly. As if I had been in a coma, someone else was helping to care for her...a female attorney (yes...a lawyer, and that's all I know about her). Somehow how she is an acquaintance of ours, and Adam informs me that she has been watching the baby when he was at work. OH MY GOD! I am such a bad mother! I don't even know my own child's name. We leave, and pull up at the attorney's home, as an interim place to stay, and as we pull in our baby is so happy to be with me and asks if she can have one of those "bottle" things filled with water...I'M A TERRIBLE MOTHER. I tell her of course and then I wake up.

Needless to say I was in such an anxious mood the entire day. I always experience dreams so vividly, as if they happened in real life. It's so frustrating.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Double Agent

I wouldn't be surprised if this is the year I see my first gray hair.

I have found thus far in my life, there is nothing so hard physically and emotionally as trying to be two people at one time. And that is precisely what I am required to do for the next 3+ months.

I know I am going to be leaving in June/July. There is no question anymore (aside from the visa going through). Yet, in order to secure myself professionally I have to keep it a big, black, ugly, puss infested, itchy secret. And yes, it feels just that nasty. "Are you going to the party in June?" me "uhh...YEAH! of course I'm going! should we bring anything?" at my review "so what are you initial feelings about working here the past year?" me "Wonderful! this is the kind of company I can see myself working with for years to come! Horray!"

so maybe I shouldn't be worried about finding a job. seems I'd make a good double agent for the polizia.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

mom, a little girl, and a coffin

i had a VERY disturbing dream last night. probably the most profound dream I have ever had. it's not even possible for me explain the most vivid part of the I felt.

they say that dreams are "virtual" reality. aside from actually waking up, there is no way for us to know that what we are experiencing is not real. therefore the emotions, the images, the sounds and physical experience is as real as the day preceding the dream.

I was in funeral home and everyone I have ever known was there. Childhood friends all grown up, old neighbors, those who have passed away, family, friends. I was overjoyed to be with all of these people. like in dreams, I didn't feel as though I wasn't supposed to be there, however I wasn't really sure why I was there. I vaguely remember an old friend, Tallyman (I'd like to remember who it was, so like a fellow blogger, I'll give a nickname here), acting as the interim funeral director. He was checking a guest list, or flower delivery or something and led me to the coffin. My mother and a little girl whom I did not recognize, but knew (another rule in dreaming), were standing next to the coffin dressed beautifully, as was I. We were instructed to get into the coffin, and he explained that it was specially built to fit all of us so don't worry. I got in last. The realization that we were going to be dying together came very slowly, and not as shocking as I may have thought. As I adjusted myself to get comfortable I thought "this coffin is going to be very heavy" and that made me upset that my husband would hae to carry us, and feel the weight of losing me, losing us. "I'm not ready to die, not like this,"I thought. I was being buried alive with the people I loved all around me, and with me. I started to imagine if I died before my mother and the little girl, and I'd have to hear them suffer, or (in a concerned way, not a vein way) smell and feel them decaying (I know it's morbid, but that's how it played out). I sat up very scared. (all of this dream was from the perspective of being inside my body, sometimes I see myself, but not this one.) I said what I had thought out loud "I'm really not ready to die yet. I want a family. I want love and pain. I want mistakes and successes." (and trust me I don't know where those words came from...doesn't sound like me.) Then I looked down to see my mother and the little girl curled up, content, and I felt as though I was abandoning them.

I woke up there. I feel so strange about it. Should I think, oh it was just
a dream. Should I think, there is a message there, and don't overlook it. I
can't write about it anymore.

And He said, “Hear now my words: If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD
will make myself known unto him in a vision, and will speak unto him in a
dream” (Num. 12:6).

I don't think so.

how to dance your way into a stroke

well it's official kids. we're moving to florence (and not to milan as previously expected). We are very very excited about it, but of course now that we have finalized our decision (which is of course still really 95%) we are freaking out about everything! Money, money, and money. Oh wait we're also worrying about getting the dog here and deciding what to bring and leave. But we're also worried about money. YIKES! I tend to be the "it-will-all-fall-into-place" type, but I don't just sit on my tushy waiting for it to happen. I take action. He is the "oh-my-god-we-are-gonna-be-living-on-the-streets-with-TB" type. He takes action too, and much more swiftly and perfectly than I could ever hope to. But the vibes are rubbing off on me lately and I feel this overwhelming urge to write down the plan for my life for the next 10-15 years, how much money I'll be making, when to start making babies, when I'll be a vegetarian, and how much I'll weigh and what my hair will look at any given moment. Talk about putting pressure on myself.

And just to multiply that stress a little more, I have been so depressed about not dancing anymore that I've decided to get back into it, so long as it doesn't kill us financially. So far, I have no idea HOW I am going to achieve that goal.

I've located this wonderful dance intensive that the director from LSU told me about. Pro Danza Italia. It's in this coastal city in Tuscany, which means I'll have to be away from Him while I am there for 3 1/2 weeks. I think that I would be okay with that, but would he? I'd miss him so much, but I am sure that I'll have time to come home for the weekend, or for him to visit me. Anyway, besides being an amazing experience and opportunity for growth in my dance abilities, it should also provide me with priceless networking. Even if I just meet someone who could help me, say, find a desk job with a dance school so I can take classes for free. Anything is possible, and what better time than now! BUT just for balance of attitude, it could end up costing EURO5000 and then, well....plan B. Which I haven't really planned yet, but I'll get to it.