bologna sandwich

Today I am craving a bologna sandwich, with mustard and mayo on white bread. I'm not sure if it was just my stomach, which isn't unusual, or if it's being pregnant, but God would I love a bologna sandwich.

I had to take this test today to be a Certified Nursery Professional. Nope, I do not work in a plant nursery. Nope, I'll never have to advise someone of how much nitrogen to put on their lawn. Nope I don't care what gall wasp will do to my tree. I am a landscape designer and these things are not part of my job, and if they were I would have learned them in the longest five years of my life in college. I don't understand it? This company has so much prestige and such great reputation for the past 30 years. Why do they insist that I take this flipping test? And what it for some reason I didn't pass? Sometimes it just makes no sense here, and knowing it will be another year tastes a little bitter. At the same time, I should be able to put away my anxieties about announcing the baby news b/c I know I'll be glad to be out of that place, for a while anyway.

This post is boring, I know. Except for the the bologna sandwich part.

hey...where have all my dreams gone?

Flo...see you next year

FLOrence that is.

well, we've decided to put off Italy until next year. I hate that phrase "put off." Let me start over

well, we've decided we are moving to Italy in June of 2007! It's going to be wonderful and beautiful, and the best part is that it is going to happen. It feels so good not to have any of this up in the air anymore. And the best part is that we both came to this mutual decision.

God is good, and I'll tell you why. Just a week or so before we found out about the baby, and our plans for Italy were still to go this June, a 4 bedroom house on the estate at which my husband is employed became available to us. In fact, the owner specifically requested that the board of trustees us choose us as tenants. (interjection: this is just so unbelievable)

And let me just side track here to tell you about this estate: It is 40 acres, and 4 houses share the property, which sits on the Gold Coast of Long Island...that's right the beach is about a 10 minute walk from the house, and 1 minute from two of the others. The main house was built in the 1600s and is absolutely breathtaking, with a large pool open to all the residents. Saturday, we went to take a closer look and we saw a young deer and it just stared at us...didn't run away, and we also saw a fox, who ran with our car for a few minutes. Wow. BTW, rent is negligible...the owner is an avid philanthropist, and I'm sure she gets a break on her taxes as well.

So we were so flippin' disappointed. We had been trying for two years to get one of the other houses, then someone else got it. And now, when we really CAN'T take it, it is available to us! GRRRRR! Luckily, we had not gotten a chance to send our regrets to the trustees when we found out about the bun-in-me-oven. I don't necessarily believe in signs from God. I don't believe it is our place to depend on them. But I do know that it sure gave us equal opportunity to stay or go this year, and not feel like we were making a decision based on money.

As sad as I am not to be able to escape this poor, broken country, I am content in our decision and have confidence in plans for next summer.

Flo...wait for me, and I'll bring you a beautiful baby to grace your streets.

rubix cube

(is that how you spell 'rubix'? well you get the point)

you know how those things have like a billion different possibilities, and they all end up solving the puzzle. I feel like we have so many choices/paths...whatever.

we could go to Italy and not change our plans, risk having no money and coming home broke. DH done in 3 years. come home.

we could stay here for year, save up a little more, then go to italy (see above)

we could go for the summer, then come home, and I won't have decent insurance, but we'll have a home. DH would go to school in NYC. 3x the debt of Italy, but family nearby and I'll at least have a part-time job.


we could go for a month in August, I could keep my job, then lose it later, and DH would go to school in NYC. 3x the debt of Italy, but family nearby and I'll at least have a part-time job. crappy insurance after the baby.

we could stay here indefinitely, and DH would go to school in NYC for 5 years and I'd keep my job until baby. 3x the debt of Italy, but family nearby and I'll at least have a part-time job. crappy insurance after the baby. risk never going to italy...ever.

OR (which won't happen b/c he hates the idea) we could go live in Louisiana. way less debt, family nearby, no great jobs, school 4 years.

BLAHHHHHHGGHHHHHHHH

the only two that I think sound appealing are to either go now or go in a year. I feel as though my mind would be a little more at ease if we stayed a year, but then I would be concerned about the few months b/t baby and italy, what would I do for work, etc.

I know that you blog readers out there must think that I am nuts. But I must say it has only been a week (thanks to friends out there in cyberland for reminding me:)) and I have done an AWEFUL lot of thinking in these past few days.

I had another "Law and Order: CI" dream last night, including Vincent D'onofrio. All I remember is that we were eating what looked like the remnants of the brisket I made, and just usuing our hands...what animals (heehee). I think I must have been hungry b/c I woke up soon after, and for breakfast ate to big waffles equiped with butter and loads of syrup. It's funny, i'd never let myself eat that for breakfast, but it's as if my body has taken over! it's actually a bit fun (shhhh don't tell)

in summary...

1-I still want to go so terribly, but I may need a buffer year

2-I might be nuts but I'm definitely pregnant

3-I must have a subconcious crush on Vinnie b/c I've dreamt about his unfit a$$ too many times. If you're out there Vinnie, go for a jog, then gimme a call...heehee j/k

i feel better just at this moment. thanks blog.

Torn Between Joy and Grief

I am so frustrated. I don't really even want to blog, but I know it will make me feel better.

Everyone seems to have an opinion, and no problem sharing it. I was brought up to speak when spoken to, and I hold true to that idea. For some reason my in-laws feel the need to call a meeting with DH and me so that "we" can make a decision. I never fail to be shocked by their audacity and inability to keep their noses out of our business. We are no longer financially tied to anyone but each other at this point, so I do not feel that it is their place to call us all together. When and if we want their opinion, we'll ask for it. We have already had a discussion in which, at length, their ideas and concerns were voiced. This is not their baby, this is not their life. I love them and need them too, but not for this. Of course my perspective is biased, but my parents have been so so supportive. They just keep reminding us of things to remember, like be happy and to pray for clarity. THIS is the kind of guidance we need from parents, not an outline on the positives and negatives: firstly their pros and cons are not ours, secondly that is for us to do. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Careful I may bite.

And to top it off I feel so tired, can't sleep, and am so nauseous. I almost wish I could barf so it would just go away. Expats has been wonderful, but the post I've made has been taken over, and I can't get any of my questions answered. I still have no clue about my visa situation, I don't know about citizenship for this baby, Italian healthcare makes no sense to me, and I don't know that teaching English, if I even get a job, is going to make enough money.

i guess my brain is okay

it's a...baby. for better or for worse. more later. to overwhelmed to divulge all the details into cyberland. if you pray, hit me up.

brain or baby

so I went to a neurologist this past friday because of this dizziness I have been getting, and this strange smell I've had. I didn't really like her. My regular doctor is so intuitive and doesn't make you feel like she is just going to plug in the formula and give you a prescription. she just asked me tons of questions, examined me, then gave me instructions I could barely understand. I felt like she was a bit condescending. I wish I had the guts to just say "stop speaking gibberish and just tell me what MIGHT be wrong with me, for Pete's sake!!!!!" So I my first assignment from Dr. Know-it-all-and-don't-share-it-all is to get blood work done to test my vitamin levels, etc. and to make sure I'm not pregnant for when I get my MRI, which is assignment #2. So if I were for some icicle's shot in hell preggers, then I don't have a tumor or epilepsy? I AM SO CONFUSED! WHY CAN'T SHE JUST BE STRAIGHT WITH ME!!! GRRRRRRRRR

So we are officially out of the creepy old house we were renting part of: no more stinky shedding dogs who roll around in their own poo. Just our sweet little Margot (who's sleeping in her bed b/c she ran around the yard all evening playing with an imaginary chipmunk). And in 3.8 months, we'll be boarding a plane to rome, then a train to florence, then to Santa Croce, to be thrilled or crushed by the apartment we just put a deposit on. but, honestly, either way I'm going to be so excited just to be there. I can't wait to have my first coffee standing up...my first Euro15 full course meal...my first (terrible) italian conversation (which will probably involve me saying about 3 words, and him/her saying the rest and then settling on speaking english)...my first day of grocery shopping the way it's meant to be done...my first walk on the street with Margot NOT on a leash! The scary part is that I have never even been across the ocean. He scouted out our move, so he at least has a taste for it. He also picked up the language pretty fast. Me? I keep speaking French instead of Italian. People say once you know one language, the other come easily...I beg ever so lightly to disagree. I had better sign up for a language course prontisimo....I just made up how to spell that.

well chow for now...hahaha j/k I know how to spell it...Ciao! xoxoxox

You Are a Hunter Soul

You are driven and ambitious - totally self motiviated to succeed Actively working to acheive what you want, you are skillful in many areas. You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding. You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force. An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people. You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor. People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all. You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone. Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

heehee thanks to a fellow blogger I did this quiz. Though I'd never set out to hurt any poor critters, it's fun to be a hunter inside!